Alone all life...

“You still have a long way to go Beta, you are in you 30’s only”, her mother was trying to convince her as much as possible. But it was all in vain. She was not going to follow her family’s wishes this time – not this one at least. Radhika was sitting on her porch writing her diary. It was a year back when her husband had died of an accident. She had a son and was managing their life by working as a teacher in a local school. Today was the First Death Anniversary of her husband. All her family and her in laws were there. Her mother sat next to her and tried to convince her.

“You cannot live alone all life, Beta. Look at you, you are beautiful and fragile. Our society has a different way of looking at women who do not have a male protector. Plus, how are you going to live all by yourself all life?”

Radhika did not pay heed to her mother. Her face was glowing pink and her thick black hair made her look much prettier than she ever was. Her thick lashes and big eyes were attractive and could lure any body into them.

“Ma, I do not want to marry again. I am fine, please stop it.”

She left the room keeping the diary on her table. Her mother was disappointed. She gave a sigh and went behind her telling her the number of marriage proposals she has started getting already. Nobody knew why she did not want to marry again except for the diary page she had written.

Dear Diary.

Since the past 6 months everybody around me is worried about me being alone for the rest of my life. I still am not understanding their definition of alone or loneliness though. Yes, I was married to a man and he dies. Does that mean I would be unhappy all my life?

The man who was my husband for the past 10 years, never loved me. He never was happy with me nor did he want me happy. He was forced to marry me, but I never was aware of it. I guess arranged marriage was the problem he had or maybe he thought I was never good enough for him. Sex was also never as my girlfriends told me it would be like, no feelings and no emotions and no touch that would make me feel special. He was my husband but he suffocated me in my own life. Even when the day he dies, people easily forget that he was drunk and was another girl in the car when they had the accident. 

Isn’t being alone better than being with someone who definitely does not love you? I feel free after he is gone. Though I know this sounds harsh but it is true. I was fed up of being a loyal wife to a cheating husband. I die each day being humiliated and insulted. Yes, he never hit me, but that never meant he respected me either.

Why does everybody want me to get in the same storm again? I am free and I want to live my way. I want to raise my kid on my own and do want any protector around me who himself would someday turn out to by killer. I hope that all realize that I do not need support, I do need love, I do not need anybody taking away my life back from me. And as far as the belief that I will be alone all life, I have you with me to keep away the loneliness.

Love,

Radhika